"Ground Up" by Brady Anderson

You’re not supposed to be here

But here you are

You thought it out

Made your choice

Set a limit to your pain

Placed a finish line

And crawled toward it

Anticipating the end of your story

The end of your problems

The end of your struggle

But here you are

Your day did come

You made arrangements

Said your goodbyes

If only to yourself

And as the end drew near

You hoped that you’d find peace

That you’d find relief

That you’d find finality

But here you are

You didn’t find it

And now you’re back

Asked to push on

And having made your choice

This wasn’t part of the plan

After all, you’re tired of fighting

You’re tired of digging deep

You’re tired of feeling at all

But here you are

You’re not supposed to be here

But here you are

And where do you go from here?

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Background:

As I get ready to apply to psychiatry residency later this year, I’ve had the 4th year pleasure of spending more time rotating in various capacities in my desired specialty. Like every specialty, psychiatry has its bread-and-butter conditions, and perhaps the most common in the inpatient setting are complications related to suicide. These past couple of months, I got to spend time with patients at some of their lowest moments and was privileged enough to be a part of their journey. Most people in this position already express remorse over their choice by the time that they reach the hospital, whether because they are actually remorseful or simply want to get out of the hospital (who can blame them). However, I was struck after meeting one patient who arrived at the hospital

in a stupor over the fact that she was still alive. I wrote this as a reflection of our visits in the subsequent days in the hospital, and it reminds me that even when we hit our lowest lows there is only one direction we can go.

About the Author:

Brady Anderson (bradyanderson@arizona.edu) is a member of the class of 2025 at the University of Arizona College of Medicine-Phoenix. He will be applying for psychiatry later this year, and looks forward to the path ahead. He enjoys reading one of the many books he’s started, chasing his two kids around, and exploring the desert with his wife. As always, he probably should have been studying instead of writing poems.