Recurrence?
Written by Carrie Sears Bell in March 2017
I am afraid.
A lymph node on the left side of my neck.
Muscle spasms in my left shoulder and back.
New pain in my left hip and the side of my pelvis.
Does this add up to metastatic cancer from the breast cancer diagnosed almost six years ago?
My mind goes to the "What If" scenarios. I don’t like the conclusions. Metastatic cancer is not curable. To prolong life, I would have to undergo chemotherapy again, perhaps for the rest of my life. My quality of life would most certainly suffer. Hiking, biking, travel and other favorite activities would be curtailed.
I want to erase these sobering thoughts from my mind, but can’t. I had an aggressive breast cancer and have always known that it might come back. That knowledge inspired me to spend the past five years trying to make the most of every day. I have not achieved that goal perfectly, but feel good about the effort.
I’ve tried to be more of a giver than a taker, to follow the Golden Rule, to spread joy and encouragement to those around me, spend a lot of time with loved ones, and tick off the boxes on my bucket list. If this is cancer rearing its ugly head once more, I won’t have regrets over how I’ve spent the cancer-free years.
While I wait for a doctor’s appointment, I have the unsettling thoughts anyone in my position might have. I don’t want to die and have trouble believing that is God’s plan for me. I want to understand why this would happen to me again, but know there is no “why.”
Life isn’t fair.
People suffer-- whether they are good, bad, rich, poor or in between.
People die-- and the when and how are almost always out of their control.
So what can I do?
Find the bits of joy nestled within even the dark moments.
Work on being at peace with whatever comes.
Don’t surrender to the darkness and the fear, ever.
Don’t be a victim. If I have to go out due to cancer, I hope God will help me do it with grace, dignity and courage. That is the best way I can think of to make things easier for my loved ones.
Postscript by Moe Bell, August 2018-
Weeks later, Carrie learned that her breast cancer had indeed recurred in her lymph node, spine, and “innumerable” places in her liver. Last summer she walked 192 miles across England, from coast to coast, with several good friends and myself and with a smile on her face the whole way. In the fall, she hiked her 18th rim-to-rim-to-rim at the Grand Canyon, with our daughter Emily for the first time. In the last two months of her life she finished writing her first novel, a mystery titled ‘Merely Bones’, and fulfilled a wish to visit upper Antelope Canyon. She passed away peacefully at home with her two children, myself, and her mother at her side in July 2018. Carrie was an inspiration to her family and many circles of friends, living and dying as she had hoped- with grace, dignity, and courage.
Whose Behind This Story
Carrie Sears Bell was a mother, wife, friend, confidant, hiker, and writer. She was Associate editor of Phoenix Magazine and Managing Editor of America West Airlines Magazine until her first child was born. Carrie wrote, Grit and Grace, Fighting Breast Cancer One Step at a Time about her initial treatment for breast cancer in 2011-12, and recently finished her mystery novel, Merely Bones. She was married to Moe Bell, MD MPH, Director of the MD/MPH program at the UofA COM-Phoenix, for 34 years.